mother's day

a day to celebrate what i love to be. it just might be my favorite day of the year.

this year's day is especially special because i feel complete. bonzo and mushy together make me what i am happiest to be: their mom.






happy mother's day to all the wonderful mamas out there. may your days be filled with love and kisses from the people you love most. xx

ps: my friend bridget did a two part series on mamas last week in celebration of mother's day. i was super honored to be included in the pretty impressive line-up. check it out: part one, part two.

what a month

april was a big month for mushy.
she learned to clap and point in its earliest days, and now she's headed into may, a bonafide crawler with one tooth and another on its way!

yesterday i set her down on the sheepskin rug at the foot of bonzo's bed while i snapped a photo of him being adorable and then when i turned around, there was mush: holding onto the bed, standing up. it took me a second to register what  had just happened. she's been trying for the past week or two with no luck. but bonzo's bed is quite low and she could fudge it by tugging on the covers for leverage but she did it. and was as pleased with herself as we were for her!

it's no wonder she's been so bananas lately – so much is happening. this girl wants me to hold her, hold her, hold her. not so much anyone else. it's so amazing – if not a bit exasperating – to be needed this much. but it's all so fleeting, i remind myself. she needs me, i'm here. that's really the long and short of it.

and her sleep has hit the skids. if i could devote my days to her getting proper sleep (like i did with bonzo!) she'd sail right through this stage (just like bonzo!) but life just doesn't permit it these days. i'm in process of making peace with the differences between their realities and just not comparing the two. it's not fair to anyone, myself included.

i love her.










then there's this guy. he tells me regularly, "when i look at your face, my heart bursts with love!"
i know the feeling, bonz.

quick change

you may or may not notice a new url above – www.bonzochoochmushyandme.com. it may take a minute or two to work out the kinks so if things are a little weird around here for a bit, that's why.



i thought i should make things official since, happily, it is bonzo, chooch, mushy and me now. i like a little forward momentum, too. feels good.

parsley, sage, rosemary, thyme

yesterday morning in the three quiet minutes i had before we left to go grocery shopping, i opened up my new favorite cookbook to get a little inspiration. i wasn't really planning on trying anything from it because what we really needed to do was get out the door – as much as i wanted to flip through the pages and ooh and ahh.

but i turned two pages and quickly changed my mind. i saw a beautiful photo and an ingredients list that read like roll call for my garden: parsley? present. sage? present. rosemary? present. thyme? present.

turkey meatballs for dinner it was!

let me back up a minute. meatballs aren't something i've ever made, let alone had any particular inclination to make. the less time manhandling raw meat of any kind, the better in my book. but in the spirit of trying something new – that, let's face it, looked easy and yummy – i decided to give it a go.

and there's even a recipe within the recipe, too. it calls for her go-to tomato sauce which is even easier than the meatballs. calling it a recipe is a stretch, really. 

turkey meatballs. serves 4 easily.

1 small onion, roughly chopped

2 garlic cloves, roughly chopped

8 fresh sage leaves

8 large fresh basil leaves

leaves from 4 sprigs of thyme

leaves from a 5-inch sprig of rosemary

1/4 cup italian parsley

1 large handful of arugula roughly chopped

1 pound ground turkey – we used ground dark meat

1 teaspoon coarse sea salt

1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

4 cups (1 recipe) go-to tomato sauce (recipe below)

3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil

combine the onion, garlic, herbs and arugula in the bowl of a food processor and pulse until very finely chopped. transfer mixture to a large mixing bowl along with the turkey, salt and pepper. use your hands to thoroughly combine all the ingredients, then roll the mixture into golf ball-sized meatballs.

place the go-to tomato sauce in a large pot set over low heat and let it get warm (mine was simmering away because i started it just prior to making the meatballs).

while the sauce is warming, heat the olive oil in a large nonstick skillet (i love and use cast iron!) over medium-high heat. cook the meatballs, in batches if necessary, until they're browned all over, 2-3 minutes on a side (at least!). transfer the browned meatballs to the simmering tomato sauce and partially cover the pot. let the meatballs cook gently for 1/2 hour, carefully stirring every now and then to make sure they're cooking evenly. mine simmered in there for at least an hour. there's no room for precision timing at five o'clock around here!

she suggests serving it over gluten-free pasta, polenta or broccoli rabe – i spooned ours over orzo and made a big, green salad on the side.

a photo of the finished product would have been a nice touch but dinnertime is go-time around here. no time for the camera. i will say that bonzo loved loved loved it. i wouldn't classify him as overly picky or super adventurous of an eater, and i'll admit that i had some doubts about whether or not he'd like this dish... but it was a success – and will be in regular rotation over here!

and here's how to make her tomato sauce. it's easy as can be.

go-to tomato sauce. serves 4.

2 tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil
6 garlic cloves, thinly sliced (i minced mine)
4 large fresh basil leaves
two 28 oz. cans whole peeled tomatoes with their juice (try to find BPA-free cans!)
coarse sea salt
freshly ground black pepper

heat the olive oil in a large saucepan over low heat, add the garlic, and cook for 5 minutes. add 2 of the basil leaves and stir for one minute. add the tomatoes with their juice and the 2 remaining basil leaves. turn the heat to high. bring the sauce to a boil, turn the heat to low, season with salt and pepper, and let it bubble away on low heat for 45 minutes, stirring occasionally and crushing the tomatoes with a wooden spoon. i took my immersion blender to it instead so it'd be almost-completely smooth. i fished out the basil leaves, blended it up, threw the leaves back in and let it simmer for another hour, easily. 

bon appétit! 

in process

preschool pick-up is at 12:30. bonzo goes two mornings a week and when mushy and i arrive at 12:20, we walk up to the lunch table with 10 little smiling faces sitting in front of 10 little lunches having 10 little conversations at the same time. it's a pretty sweet sight to see, let me tell you.

the other day when i got there i could tell by looking at bonzo that he was having a hard day. i could see the feelings even though he was just sitting amongst his friends at the table, seemingly doing a-okay.

he went to hand me the two dandelions he'd picked and saved to give me (swoon) but they were a bit dehydrated and... well... smooshed. he was bummed but didn't sink into it.  

then we started to pack up and i asked him if he was finished with his lunch and he said yes. so i ate a couple of his goji berries and proceeded to zip up his bag. ah, the goji berries. that gave him something to sink into – the feelings that were right under the surface started to well up and they were begining to seep out.

he did not want me to eat his goji berries. i was never to eat the goji berries again, in fact i was to take them out of my tummy and put them back. 

i could tell he was about to dive in head first into some deep stuff. it wasn't about the goji berries, obviously. they were just the spark that would let him ignite the fire. 

we got to the car and the feelings went from seeping to spilling. he was so upset about the berries. he was screaming at me for eating them, crying from the depth of his little being, kicking his feet in his car seat. he was mad and letting me know it. 

there was a part of me that wanted to hiss back to him, "don't speak to me that way!" but of all the times not to take it personally, this is the the most important. yeah, he's screaming at me and, frankly, it can be a bit vile. but it's the feelings talking, it's not him. plus, he couldn't even hear me if i tried to correct his tone or word choice. it would be so counterproductive. about as counterproductive as rushing to the cupboards when we got home to dish out some goji berries. he needed to erupt – i needed to be there calmly and not correct him, fix it or distract him.

once we got in the house, the feelings went from spilling to absolutely exploding. he was  having a full-body breakdown. he was hot, sweaty, screamy, thrashy, hysterical. (on a side note, sweet mushy was such a trooper. she played with her toys and kept an eye on us the whole time. good lookin' out, mush!)

i held him close and said only a few words when i could. he pushed and pushed against my arms to break free even though i wasn't holding him tightly. he needed a physical boundary to push against, too. he stood up and started to walk away but only got as far as the kitchen, paused and ran back into my arms, wailing. i told him he was safe and that i loved him. and i told him how mad i could tell he was which kept the tears flowing – which was exactly what i wanted to do. 

once he peaked and started his descent, it came out: the kids were playing dress-up in the cottage at preschool and he wished he'd joined them. 

[quick backstory. my cautious guy is not one to haul off and join in with the kids. he watches first, soaks it in. talks about it at home, plays about it at home. he takes his time and joins when and if he feels ready.]

so maybe that day – but my hunch is that day was just the straw that broke the camel's back – he watched and felt closer to wanting to join than he had ever before. he was on the cusp of trying something new but something held him back from actually doing it. and from the safety of not being able to do it, he was engulfed in regret. 

i know just how that feels– regretting not doing something when not confronted with the possibility of actually doing it. things can look so different when you've stepped away, right?

once he got it out – how he was really feeling – it gave way to a different cry. a deep, shoulder wracking, mournful cry. he sat in a pile on my lap and let it go. then it slowed. then slowed some more. then slowed until it almost stopped. then stopped. 

he took a deep breath, looked at me and smiled. he was back. sweaty, hot and tired but back. he took a sip of water, i wiped his face and he said, "i love you, mommy" then picked something up and carried on. 

what followed was what follows eruptions like this: a clear, confident, sweet guy. my guy.

a little while later, when the big feelings were fully behind us, i asked him if he wanted to play dress up for fun right here, right now, at home. his eyes lit up and his answer was immediate and excited: yes! so i got out some stuff for him to put on and he couldn't get it on fast enough.

was the rest of the day rainbows and sunshine? pretty much. but not entirely. i could tell when unsettled feelings about his day crept up because he'd suddenly push for a limit again – but it was passive, like he wanted to make sure i would hold the boundary for him. and i did, so he'd let it go immediately. 

at bedtime he decided he wanted to curl up with mushy's fuzzy blanket. you know, the one she was wrapped in. again, he was only semi-committed to it so i could tell he was testing to make sure i'd hold that limit for him. he started to lay the groundwork of a protest and i held the boundary, told him mushy was wrapped in her blanket and that he could choose another. he huffed and puffed for a second but he was noticeably relieved that the boundary was firmly there: he couldn't use that blanket. he quickly chose another, curled up and that was that. 

it was such a crystal clear example of him looking for a limit – needing a limit – getting it and literally exhaling with relief.

it was one of those days where it all makes such perfect sense. he's processing so much right now. maybe some of it's stuff other kids have already processed or wouldn't need to think twice about but it's stuff he's working through and it's hard work. they're big feelings.

but these days are so productive. they're hard but they're so important.

if you're happy and you know it

we've got a clapper over here!

she's all about clapping now and it's so cute it almost hurts to watch. her pudgy little hands – those sweet dimpled knuckles and chunky fingers – clapping together make the softest, sweetest sound you ever did hear. i'll be driving and suddenly hear it – then one glance in the mirror and i see her happy little face and clappy little hands in action, pleased as punch.

yesterday i walked in to the bedroom right as she was waking up. she started clapping before her eyes even opened. it's so awesome to see how these new abilities engulf them.

and now at the mere mention of the word clap, her hands spring into position. it's pretty delicious.

mushy lately

this girl.
she's this close to crawling. she gets up on her little hands and knees and can make a little bit of headway but it won't be long until she's going for it. look out, world – here comes mushy!

still no solids. she's totally interested in every aspect of the process – except getting anything inside her mouth.

and not one tooth, either. she's all gums, my mush.

last night she thought 9:30 to 11:30 seemed like a fine time to practice pointing at the chooch and saying "dada!" proudly. she knows how to make hearts go pitter patter.

speaking of pointing. she's just discovered the art and is way into it. sometimes she points at something and others it's more of a raised index finger like she's just got one quick thing to add to the conversation. don't you love baby fingers? they're like little triangles – short and squat with little pointed tips.

and she'd much rather sleep in my arms than... say... in her co-sleeper 10" away. the good news is that i love to hold her. but we're working on it because i also really like laying down without a tiny body draped over me. i'll settle for a happy medium.

the screech this baby girl is able to make is astounding. you see this little – albeit pudgy – body and then you hear this shrill, ear piercing, happy shriek that emits from it and it doesn't quite add up. but that's my girl. she found her voice and loves to use it. i seem to remember a certain little boy who was the same way...

and oh how she loves her big brother. she's endlessly entertained by him and lights up the second she sees him. and the admiration is reciprocated. well, 97% of the time.

i still get giddy when i think of little things – like sweet braided pigtails! – and think to myself, "i have a girl!" (you'd think i'd be used to it by now!)

she's such a happy girl. full of smiles, a content little soul.

released

today's been on my radar for a while now. funny because a few months ago, april 2nd felt like forever away. and here it is – already. seems like a recurring theme in my life: time flying by a little too quickly.

i've been totally looking forward to two releases. good music and a good book – a pretty alright combination if you ask me.

rkives. rilo kiley is one of my all time favorite bands. love them. this is a collection of unreleased rare songs, b-sides and the like. yes!
it's all good. gp's new book. my father's daughter has been in heavy rotation from the get-go so i'm stoked to have a new one to dig into.



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in the swing of spring

watched

i wish i could say that when the kids go to sleep that i tip-toe out of the room and busy myself reading, knitting, cooking, cleaning, organizing, exercising or sitting in the backyard sipping a glass of wine next to the choo choo and watching the day turn to night.

it would be a marvelous use of time, indeed. i'd probably feel so on top of things, using that time so productively. but alas, by the time the last two little eyelids close and both are finally asleep, i'm in the (embarrassingly) horrible habit of picking up the remote – along with a few squares of dark chocolate – and watching the tube. and enjoying a little time where i'm not tending to anyone or anything.

it's pointless and indulgent time – but dude, it's also glorious. moms, i'm sure you can feel me.

i'm (mostly) late to the party with the things i watch. tv series everyone's already seen, movies that are a year old – you get the picture. in fact, we keep toying with the idea of turning off our cable altogether. it's pretty silly to pay for cable these days. we have apple tv and netflix. i think we need to just take the leap.

the only time the television is on is when both kids are sleeping. the extent of bonzo's television watching is entering costco and being bombarded by fifteen flatscreens. other than that, he's a tv-free guy – and mushy's following suit. oh if only it were that way for me. talk about do-as-i-say, not-as-i-do! jeez.

anyways, here's what's graced my screen lately that i've liked.

celeste and jesse forever. so cute. watched it on in-demand the other night. it's a sign of the times that i hadn't even heard of it. sigh. but i loved it and would totally recommend it and/or watch it again.

girls. i'm pretty much cringing the whole time i watch but i can't stop watching. it's gritty and awkward but so good.

parenthood. we started the whole series a few months ago on a whim and got hooked. we were downing two episodes most nights and blew through the entire series in no time. not that i'm bragging about a real accomplishment or anything! now we have to wait for the next season to start.

house of cards. a netflix series – we loved it. can't wait for season two. it's a political drama – not something i'd usually gravitate towards – but it's amazing. and kevin spacey completely rules.

mad men. season six is just a handful of days away!