it was smooth sailing from morning to nap time - except nap time didn't really end up happening which is where things started to unravel.
in the light of a new day i can look back at yesterday and it's all so crystal clear - ridiculously obvious, really.
sunday was halloween.
we had family and friends over, carved pumpkins and handed out candy to trick or treaters.
it was a really fun, albeit unusually lively, evening and the bonz was pretty wound up with all the excitement. he didn't know what to make of all the kids charging our front door only to bee-line down the driveway and out of sight. the awe wore off after the first handful of trick or treaters and the downward spiral began... he was happy and sad, laughing and crying, wanting to be held and put down, wanting to run around and sit down all at the very same time.
everyone left and it was bedtime but sleeping wasn't a possibility.
bonzo was in no shape to downshift.
i tried to nurse him but he was too wound up to settle down so we got up and joined the chooch in the front of the house.
a dinosaur-jammied bonzo did a few laps on foot, celebrating the change of energy in the house now that it was just the three of us... we got a few more kids at the door... we read a couple books, played with some toys and ran around a little more.
it was well past bedtime at this point but he was still going.
so, like we do every night, i popped in the shower while choo choo and bonzo had story time on the bed... then i nursed him down to sleep.
bonzo just needed a little time to shift his energy and for things to feel more normal.
the next day he napped for three straight hours.
then yesterday he napped for zero hours.
so here's the obviousness:
bonz was still a little out of sorts from a big weekend and a thrown-off schedule (and i may have forgotten to mention that he's cutting molars, too).
but for some reason i met every moment from when i realized the nap wasn't going to happen with resistance.
and i think the some reason was because i didn't just stop and check in with myself to figure out what was going on with bonzo - and with me.
if i'd stopped for a minute i would have realized that bonzo was still thrown off - and in teething pain no less.
i would have realized that i really needed a minute to myself and that that's okay but was going to have to wait - it wasn't going to happen when i'd been expecting it would.
key word: expecting.
i know better... but alas.
instead i was so bummed that he didn't nap.
dude, just typing that is humbling and makes me feel so ridiculous.
he didn't nap? seriously?!
it's absolutely laughable to me today... but yesterday it was anything but funny.
not to point out the obvious but an over-tired fifteen month old is gnarly... especially when it's combined with a frazzled mommy.
if patience was a rope, i was at the end of it.
and so the rest of the afternoon was a series of ughs and general resistance to what was.
it's so clear to me today - where was i yesterday?
four words i try to meditate on often: what you resist persists.
yesterday was a pristine example.
makes me think about a few words from our wedding vows and how they apply to my everyday life:
be with your other in freedom.
love the freedom of your other and all that it blossoms into.
be in the moment.
be present and have no expectations.
anyways... not to wax all zen but yesterday was a doozy.
i'm living and learning over here.
incidentally, today has been rad. business as usual.
me and the bonz had an adventure at the ellwood monarch butterfly grove.
oh, and he's napping as i'm typing this!