in the toolbox: special time

last post i talked a whole lot about feelings.

they're unavoidable – and that really is a good thing – but it's nice to have a few tricks up one's sleeves for how to connect with toddlers, to fill up their proverbial cups, to help make them feel like the important little people they are.

one of the biggest tools in our toolbox at this house these days is special time.

oh, special time.

i'll be honest, at first i thought you were a little silly.

i thought we had plenty of special time. i thought it could be argued that bonzo's life was one long stretch of special time. but no, i was wrong. you really are special, special time.

the deal is this:

it's announced, it's timed, it's child-led and it's absolutely positively a distraction-free-zone.

it's time where bonzo's the boss and the words "just a sec" or "mama will be right back" don't escape my lips once.

it's so important and healthy for bonzo to have time where he's getting 100% focused energy from me. and, being a stay at home mama, i honestly thought we weren't really lacking in that department. it seemed like bonzo's days were pretty much chock full o' special time – we just didn't have a name for it.

but the thing is, it's easy to be playing with him and be – even just mentally, but often physically too – distracted by the twenty five things i need (or want) to be doing. and it's a slippery slope thinking that i can do both at once: engage with him while getting stuff done. 

and listen, stuff has to get done. and i think it's important that bonzo sees that. but i know that i'm not at my best, and bonzo's not on the receiving end of all he should be, when i've got my hands pushing a loader and a bulldozer and my mind on my to-do list. or worse, one hand holding a crayon and the other on my iphone. ick. sigh. hate it. but it's true, it happens. though i am conscious of it and really do make a very concerted effort to limit such behavior.

anyways, where was i?

oh yeah, special time.

the reason i thought we weren't the customer for it is because i thought we were doing alright in that department but mostly because i thought the idea of announcing it and explaining that i was setting a timer (i had a mental block for the timer) seemed a little silly, honestly.

but i tried it and, right out of the gates i was a believer.

i knew the concept of the timer was maybe a little over bonzo's head but i went ahead with my explanation:

"okay, we're going to have special time. just you and me. we can do whatever you want for fifteen minutes. i'm going to set the timer, let's play!"

five minutes into it i had a bit of an epiphany.

the timer is just as much (well, actually more) for my benefit as it is for bonzo's.

there was something very freeing in knowing that i could pour myself into our time together and get lost in silliness without distraction creeping in and wooing me in the other direction.

bonzo was shrieking with delight directing me to crawl under the table and hide from him and surprise him. he knew he had my undivided attention and was blissfully in the moment – and so was i.

when the timer went off he heard the noise it made and i said, "okay, that's the timer! i had so much fun with special time!" 

and we kept playing a bit. i really didn't want i to be a huge transition from engaged play to me being elbow-deep in soapy dishes asking him to please wait just a moment.

but then the beat went on. i'm sure laundry was folded and dishes were done but the point is that bonzo's cup was full. he was feeling really good and it showed. so it freed me up to do some of my chores and get things done without feeling like i had to stave off his wanting to be held or played with – because he'd gotten my full attention for a stretch of time he was happy to go along with the next bit of business to be done even though it required that my attention then be split.

but what if the timer goes off and there's a meltdown to be had? honestly, that hasn't happened yet but i'll probably know that it's a possibility based on how special time is going. if he's using special time as a time to work out some feelings (which i know is on the horizon) then it's entirely possible that he'll use the timer going off (the end of special time) as a reason to let it rip if he hadn't already. and that's cool. it's his special time and he can use it however he needs. of course a session of big feelings at the end of special time means that some overtime will be clocked in but 1: who cares? it's not really about the timer and, 2: the payoff will be a calmer, more present little person so just because it's not fun-fun-fun doesn't mean that special time wasn't productive time.

the chooch has been rad about special time, i might add.

bonzo was having a hard time there for a while when chooch came home from work. bonz loves him to pieces – it wasn't about that. it was about the transition between being with me all day and suddenly the energy of the house changing, my attention splitting, and boring stuff like adults talking, dinner cooking and the evening progressing were imminent and a buzzkill for bonzo.

so chooch decided that their special time was going to commence at when-daddy-gets-home o'clock for a few days.

timer set, boys playing. a rip roaring success.

that's not to say that chooch does this every day. he doesn't. but he does enough so that it's really made an impact. and if bonzo's had a day, i might even prompt the chooch that special time would be rad when he gets home.

and, pouring fifteen minutes into special time on the front end sure beats me stretching out cooking dinner (or whatever task is at hand) by thirty minutes because i'm stopping to juggle an irritable toddler whose demanding my attention.
it's not foolproof and i can't say that i'm always on top of it but dude. i sure notice a difference when i am.

i'm telling you, special time is a big deal.

if you can do it every day, rad. 

shoot to do it three times a week and see how it goes. heap more on next week if you can or set it as a goal for the following week.

thirty minutes, twenty minutes, a full hour – give it what you've got.

but, a word to the wise: go to the bathroom, pour yourself a glass of water and turn your ringer off so you can get your head in the game. at first i was a little surprised by how many times non-urgent to-do's popped into my mind, trying to lure me away. but tuning them out feels amazing – to me and, more importantly, to bonz.

the other day bonzo said to chooch, "want some special time. set the timer?"
dude. the cuteness.