a monkey in the backyard

i absolutely appreciate the power of editing photos. more's just plain more sometimes and doesn't always make for a better story. in fact, it rarely does.

having said that, there was very little editing done here. i just couldn't resist the cuteness.




















that's my guy! oh, i love him so.

unconditional parenting: a round-up

i'm in major nesting mode these days. organizing, cleaning, preparing – and trying to tie up loose ends.

one such loose end is my self-appointed task of going through all of alfie kohn's unconditional parenting principals from his book – one of my very, very favorites – unconditional parenting.

i had every intention of writing about it regularly – because i live it regularly – as an exercise for myself. i didn't really think it'd hold much interest for anyone else but figured if it did, it'd just be gravy.

anyways, i hate not following through on stuff... however significant or insignificant, public or private. that is to say, i love the feeling of actually doing what i've set the intention of doing. it just feels good.

so in an effort to make good on this for myself, i'm going to wrap up the second half-ish of my project in one fell swoop, short and sweet. it's not exactly how i intended it to go but i'm 110% certain that no one cares. myself included.

i'm motivated to do this today because i know it'll feel good to check it off my mental list (even though i'm hardly loosing sleep over it) and because i need the parenting-check-in.

see, most posts 'round here are all about the juicy, happy, sweet and cuddly times. but there are absolutely times where patience is at a minimum and things are less than harmonious. right now is no exception. and checking in with my friend alfie is almost always a sure fire way to get things back on track. it could be easy for me to think that i've read his books, watched the dvd of his talk on unconditional parenting – and even seen him speak live! – so i'd be all set and ready to take parenting on, come what may. but alas, this is a journey and checking in with my roadmap helps me remember that i'm on the right path and to stick to it.

so, yeah. here goes. if this ain't your thing, that's cool. but my windows are open, the sun's out, music's on, bonzo's with the grandparents and i'm going to TCB!

here are all 13 principals. you can catch up on the first seven by clicking on them if you're so inclined. 

1. be reflective 
2. reconsider your requests
3. keep your eye on the long-term goals
4. put the relationship first
5. change how you see, not just how you act 
6. R-E-S-P-E-C-T
7. be authentic
8. talk less, ask more
9. keep their ages in mind
10. attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts
11. don't stick your no's in unnecessarily
12. don't be rigid
13. don't be in a hurry

so here goes.

8. talk less, ask more:

a couple quotes stand out to me in a major way.

"maybe we were so busy trying to get them to see our point of view that we didn't really hear theirs."

sometimes – especially at bonzo's age – he doesn't even know why he's upset. and he shouldn't have to, either. and, in the throes of it all, sometimes it's hard to remember that i don't need to talk or explain. he just needs to feel his feelings and i need to be there to hear them without judgement, without trying to fix them or explain my case. he may articulate what the problem is and he may not. but, at the end of the day, he's upset over whatever-it-is and him seeing it from my "adult-logical-rational" perspective isn't that important in that moment. plus, there's always time to convey what needs to be later. the likelihood he'll even hear it later is increased ten-fold anyways.

"as a rule, our first priority is to figure out the source of the problem, to recognize what children need. for example, two- and three-year-olds often act out because they're undergoing a bumpy transition from babyhood into personhood. they're wrestling with the attractions of freedom and independence, the power of being able to do new things, while simultaneously trying to cope with unwelcome limitations on the exercise of their will." 

yeah. this pretty much sums up the source of all friction at our house! 

alfie talks about how you have to know the source of the problem to solve it. and you won't find out without asking. and sometimes there's really not even room for asking – just being there to listen counts, too.

like almost everything he's got to say, this can help just about anyone – parent or not – be a better human.

9. keep their ages in mind

this one's obvious but hugely important. and so true – even just as it relates to the concepts in this book. they mean different things at different ages and stages but can still be applied to any age, any stage. and this is a big one at our house, too. bonzo's always been extremely verbal and grasps concepts and stuff quickly – almost always to our shock and amazement. sometimes we find ourselves forgetting just how old he really is sometimes because he can often act older in some ways than we'd expect him to based on his chronological age. we try to hold him to neither, though. i don't want to set unrealistic standards either high or low for him. anyways, age-appropriateness is a good reality check. especially when i'm getting flustered at the near-constant push-back and the 500th "no!" of the day. um, he's right on track!

10. attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts

"if we assume that an inappropriate action was motivated by a child's sinister desire to cause trouble or to see how much he can get away with – or if we attribute such behaviors to his being a natural troublemaker – he may become exactly what we fear."

jumping to conclusions rarely results in something positive or rad.

and certainly labeling a child – even if it's meant very innocently – as "shy", "picky", "mischievous" or whatever just opens the door for them to live up to it. for them to incorporate that as part of their story, as part of who they are, how they're seen and how they see themselves. 

hopefully we can realize that when we look at – and then judge or label – a child's behavior, we're not coming from a neutral place. our minds, agendas, feelings and past are all over it like white on rice. it'd be much more important and constructive to look at the child and/or their behavior as open-mindedly as possible. plus, doesn't it feel better to think the best of someone rather than the worst?

11. don't stick your no's in unnecessarily

ah, yes. this one comes up constantly. more and more everyday. sometimes i feel like my knee-jerk reaction is to say no to something. i'm thankful, though, that it almost always hangs in my head for a moment before finding its way to my lips. that gives me a micro-second to check in with myself and ask, "dude. is this really a no?" often it's not.

and i'm not talking about becoming the permissive mommy-doormat, either. i'm just saying that there are so many things that could so easily be a "yes"! and those things – and my willingness to just say yes to them – will make bonzo more confident as he goes about discovering his world and as he communicates with me. and will also help him actually hear the "no" when it's said. 

there are times when "no" is just "no" for sure. again, i'm not any more for permissive parenting than i am for authoritarian parenting. but stopping for a minute to ponder if a "yes" will do instead of a "no" is good stuff.

12. don't be rigid

this one is major. alfie talks about bending or just altogether forgetting the "rules" from time to time. live life, you know? sometimes it's so easy to think that if we, as parents, aren't totally consistent all the time, that a precedent will be set and there will be hell to pay for it. not so. pointing it out is a good way for kids to see that we're able to live in the moment and loosen up on the rules a bit, too. it shows them that thoughtful considerations can be made. i want to model flexibility for bonzo. again, this isn't about being too loose – it's just about checking oneself to make sure they're not being too rigid. 

13. don't be in a hurry

bottom line is that when we're in a rush bonzo is going to be less likely to want to cooperate – and i don't mean obey, i truly mean cooperate – and i'm going to be less likely to parent the way i want to in my heart. coercion? check. raised voice? check. friction? check.

"rather than trying to change your child's behavior, it usually makes more sense to alter the environment."

i've always been a punctual person. i would rather get up a little early, prepare the night before or just adjust my schedule so i'm not frantically or perpetually running late. parenthood hasn't totally derailed that because it's a trait that's pretty ingrained in me. but the reality is that bonzo-time isn't always standard-time as i've come to know it my whole life. i build in extra time for all the tasks i know should only take a moment but will likely take ten times longer. you know, changing the diaper, putting on sunscreen, getting in the car. but there are days that, despite my efforts, we're running behind. no one's at their best when we're against the clock because we're against each other at that point. 

and i love that alfie points out that these words don't have to be taken so literally. there's another meaning to them altogether: slow the ef down, people! life's passing you by. stop, breathe and take it in. 

*** 

and there you have it, friends – well, if anyone made it this far – some of the greatest thoughts (his, not mine) on parenting if you ask me. 

pitter patter

bonzo, lately: "i just love you, mommy!" then reaching his teensy arms as wide as they'll go, "i love you up to the moon. this gigantic!"


ps: out of the many books i ordered about becoming a big brother, hello baby! is – by far – his fave.

a round-up

oh how the days and weeks seem to be flying by.
i'll be thirty two weeks along on saturday. thirty two!
i'm feeling good. mostly normal energy – until about 4 o'clock, that is. and i get flooded by feelings of overwhelming excitement about welcoming a new little soul into our family. but i get flooded by feelings of guilt and nostalgia because our family dynamic is about to change so drastically. and i love how it is now – just me, chooch and bonz – and i get worried and riddled with guilt about changing it and upsetting sweet bonzo's life as he knows it. it'll be wonderful and i have no doubt that we'll all be better-than-fine but i can't help but feel all the feelings. will bonzo be mad at me when he realizes ours baby's here to stay? will i feel horrible when i see him hurting over the fact that things are just plain old different? 

bonzo's feelings and the way he transitions is my number one priority in life but i know that i also need to... um... manage my transition into this new phase. and then of course there'll be a newborn baby to tend to and smother with love! oh, and choo choo, too. it'll all shake out, this i know. i think i can imagine what it'll be like but the truth is, i cannot. we'll just have to keep on keepin' on.

but at the end of the day i feel excited, fortunate and happy, i really do. seems it's natural for mamas to go through this range of emotions so: check!

oh, and there's the other detail of knowing what natural childbirth feels like instead of wondering what it feels like. on one hand, i have a confidence in my body i didn't have before but on the other it's a smidge daunting to think about what's ahead. i just keep reminding myself that birth is a temporary – and incredible – state of being. i can do this again, i can do this again, i can do this again.

on a side note, the washing of the hands is still major fun. this guy loves to do his own soapies and scrub to make bubbles on his hands like nobody's business. he's got the cleanest hands in town. no complaints here.


i find myself snapping pictures right and left of him and i think it's my way of trying to bottle up and cling tightly to this time that seems to be speeding by.
bonzo loves to hold his new stuffed owl, hooty, and pretend he's ours baby and he's the big brother. sweet hooty gets swaddled, burped and nursed a whole bunch. he's a good sport.


our dear friends have a pool where they live and we spent a sunny day there the other day. i was so stoked to see bonzo's confidence around the water. he's still plenty cautious and concerned about it but compared to our last dip in the pool late last summer, he's a lot more comfortable in and around the water. all you need is your time, little friend, and i'm more than happy to give you all you need always.


he got a toy leaf blower from auntie and her main squeeze last year and with it came the world's most ill-fitting and uncomfortable goggles. he's never been inclined to put them on – until the other day.

in other news, the potty's being put to some use these days! we're taking the no-approach approach. that is, we have a potty, he knows what it is, where it is and what it's for – the rest is up to him. no coaxing, no talking-it-up, no pressure, no expectation. it's rad to see him take the lead!

is it easter still?

first thing sunday morning i whispered, "happy easter, baby" to my sweet bonzo. he lit right up and asked, "is it easter right now? is auntie here?"

he knew easter meant family and fun. 

we were in baja for his first and second easter sundays so this was, by all accounts, bonzo's first easter.

it's always been one of my favorite holidays. we've never been religious so it's always been more of a celebration of spring and the beauty that the new season brings with its blossoms and blooms, blue sky and sunshine. 

so we had family over for an easter egg hunt, lunch, cookies and silliness in the backyard. it was my idea of perfection. and i'm convinced bonzo thought it was one of the best days of his life. 

needless to say, bonzo was ready for an early bedtime sunday after all the festivities. as i was zipping up his little jammies he asked me, "is it easter still, mama?"
i'm pretty sure he wants it to be easter every day now. i'm also pretty sure we'll be recreating the easter egg hunt on a daily basis for the next week or two. it was that fun.

in other news, i'm thirty weeks along and getting rounder by the moment. and, equally as exciting to bonzo, we got him a new stool for his bathroom along with a nifty little contraption that makes washing hands – you know, playing in the sink – even more fun than it already was. reaching by his own self? best thing ever.

(almost) two years ago.

deliciousness.

twenty nine

me: "do you think ours baby's going to be a boy or a girl?"
bonzo: "ummmm... just a baby."