big brother bonzo

it seems customary that the big brother (or sister) gets a gift – a peace offering of sorts – from the new baby. while i think it's a sweet sentiment indeed, i chose to get bonz something special from me and the chooch instead of it being from baby sister. after all, we've talked bunches about all the things newborns can and can't (mostly can't) do, so trying to pass a gift off as from her seemed a bit... well... confusing, no?

so we told bonzo we got him something special to celebrate him becoming a big brother. we told him how we knew it was a big change and how much we appreciated all his help and what a great brother he was. and then he opened the box. a garbage truck. with an extra set of cans to-boot. high livin'!

adjustments

bonzo loves having a baby sister. he wants to hold her and love her every chance he gets. but big feelings come with the territory, that's for sure – and there have been some big feelings felt over here. i expected them but that doesn't make them any easier for any of us. there's been a huge change and we're all feeling it.

despite doing our very best to keep bonzo's proverbial cup full, saturday marked the single most challenging parenting day we've experienced in nearly three years. it was a tough one. all the feelings that have been accumulating for days – and probably weeks – came to the surface in the form of total upset from sun-up to bedtime. nothing was working for bonzo. it was exasperating. he was so out of sorts and so miserable. he was just looking for reasons to let it rip and any reason would do. if we said up, he'd want down. black and he'd want white. no and he'd want yes. the entire day was constant conflict and resistance, crying and screaming, frustration and exhaustion. patience were no where to be found – for any of us.

thankfully the feelings were felt, tears were shed and then the tide turned. but i'll tell you – it was a rough day. i'm sure we'll find our way back there – i hardly think we're out of the woods with the feelings – but, for now, we're all happy to have hit the low-point and resurface unscathed.

that's the thing about big feelings. feeling them is super healing. and i know that, while it was miserable to live through, living through it helped us all.

and there's been so much sweetness in spite of it all, it's almost too much to take.

it's a girl!

ours baby is here!

meet our little june bug – born on father's day, sunday june 17th at 11:01 pm.

there's so much to say... but for now, this:

it's impossible to describe how much we all love her already...

the mister

i kept seeing this pop up all over the internet over the past couple days...
i was reluctant to watch it because, for one, i so rarely watch youtube clips, and for two, my immediate thought was that it was clowning mister rogers – and that just wouldn't fly with me.

but it's dear. and he's dear.

bonzo's never watched any tv or videos but i'm thinking that, when the time's right – and i don't really even know when that'd be – it'd be cool to get some dvds of some of the classics.

cute and cute.

this is the day

june 16th.
waiting, waiting, waiting.

acupuncture's been had, moxa stick's been burnt, spicy food's been eaten, evening primrose oil's being taken...

stand-by!

heavy duty

bonzo's been pretty stoked on all the getting-ready-for-baby we've been doing around here – both in the physical sense: baby stuff! and the emotional sense: playing baby!

the other day we set the co-sleeper up on the other side of our bed. it was pretty under-used for bonzo (live and learn) but i'm thankful we still have it because it's giving us some more real estate in what is, granted, an already pretty large family bed.

bonzo could hardly stand the excitement of setting it up. he was so excited to be "the first one to get to 'sample' it" he could hardly contain himself. and i get it – it's exciting! new (to him) stuff just awaiting exploration? perfect.

but of course the thing was totally more complicated to set up than chooch's memory served so it took a few minutes longer than the five we'd bargained for. and bonzo's not-quite-three and working on patience. but it's – ahem – a work in progress, you know?

enter: heavy duty feelings. 

waiting is hard. bonzo's excited. things are lagging... time to let it rip.

he had a big cry but i could tell that he was still distracted – he was just waiting for the co-sleeper to be set up and i could tell that once it was, he'd instantly shift gears into "sampling" mode. and i didn't want to hold him back from it just so he could empty the ole feelings tank – even though i would normally try to minimize (read: eliminate) distractions to maximize offloading. i just didn't want the negativity around the baby stuff. so i held him and he cried, chooch finished setting the thing up and he eagerly dove right in. and he was in a better space than i thought he'd be with it, too – but i could tell there were still some feelings there that needed to come out. and i knew they would. and probably soon. 

we laid out some ground rules right away: no standing or jumping feet in the co-sleeper! it's okay to get in it now and it'll be okay to get in it when ours baby is born – but not when ours baby is in it. we demonstrated with hooty, bonzo's trusty ours-baby-stand-in. he gets it, i know he does.

fast forward an hour or two.

we're outside in the backyard and i'm picking up fallen apricots (oh apricot season, i love you) and bonzo's hanging out, happy as a clam, sweeping and raking. then i started to water. bonzo usually loves the hose but not today. today he had an idea or two about watering. specifically where and how i was watering. at this point i see the flashing neon sign above his head: hey mama, the rest of those feelings from earlier? here they come!

he screamed at me for watering the garden. screamed. and cried. if memory serves his bitty body was even flung to the grass in a display of disdain. he was imploring me not to water there! just don't do it!

oh dear. 

i calmly turned off the hose and picked him up and put him on my lap. he didn't want to be held but he didn't want to be put down (neon sign, people) and he was hysterical and still shouting at me not to water the garden: "no, mama! no! nooooooooooooooo!"

i decided to bring him inside so the neighborhood could have some peace and because i thought it was best to move away from the scene of the crime and just let. it. rip.

part of me wanted to tell him not to scream at me because it was so 110% directed at me, in my face, and loudly and i was feeling like correcting that – we don't scream at people, friend. 

but i knew that the screaming at me was the path his feelings needed to take and that it wasn't – directly or even consciously – directed at me. so he kept wailing and screaming "no mama!" at me. it was so hard to hear and not take to heart. but thankfully my rational mind was able to keep me on track and calm. so he sat in my lap and cried and cried and cried and screamed at me with fervor. and then he calmed down about 15 minutes later. but even then i could tell there was a little more that needed to come out. but he was clearly done crying. so i decided it would be fun to laugh – we could reconnect and get silly and he could finish the off-load that way. so i decided to take the fury away from shouting "no!" at me and turn it into something else entirely. 

i said, "let's shout 'no!' some more, wanna?" and his face lit up like a christmas tree and we took turns shouting. but funny shouting this time. punctuated by big belly laughs (no pun intended on my end) and silliness. 

"no, couch!"

"nooooooo, lamp!"

"NO, walls!"

"noooooooooooooooo, rug!" 

just no! no! no! to everything in site.

we shouted and laughed and laughed and laughed. bonz got it out. every last drop – you know, 'til next time. it felt so good. after that we cuddled, nursed a bit, drank a giant glass of water and had a little snack then carried on with the rest of the afternoon like nothing ever happened. i love how he reminds me not to hang onto stuff. feel it, move on. such a teacher, that guy.

this photo is from a happier time in the garden. but... those buns! oh, i just love them so.

almost there

due date's saturday. i'm round. and excited. and a bit nervous. and ready. and not ready. but mostly ready.




here's bonzo's bedtime belly curl-up. we nurse, then he falls asleep spooning ours baby – and i hold him, hold him, hold him and just breathe it all in.

we'll see you on the other side, ours baby...

these days

so aside from all the waiting and wondering i can't help but do, i'm thoroughly soaking in this strange time. it's just so weird to think that once things change they'll never go back to how they are now – just me and the bonz. oh, and choo choo, too of course. the change is equal parts exciting and daunting. well, it's more exciting than daunting but i can't help but have some heavy feelings about it all. i love how things are now and that's changing. i'll love what it becomes, i'm more than sure of it. but it's just a lot to take in now that we're so close to the finish line.

so, these days we've been laying low but having tons of fun while we're at it.
this morning started out like this:

silliness.


and yesterday we spent over four straight hours in the backyard. it went from a picnic and art in the shade to running around naked-baby and filling buckets with the hose to making and eating impromptu apple juice pops. i went to bed thinking that if i went into labor that moment that i'd go forth knowing our "last day" of being just us was spent in the most wonderful way it could have possibly be spent. just me and my guy, hanging out, doing stuff together. no distractions, no schedule.


so the plan is to spend the next week or so until baby comes (or, you know, the rest of my life) doing more of the same – being present, savoring the little things and soaking it all in.

it's a pretty rad reminder, in fact. i don't want to spend this time feeling frazzled or short on patience and then look back and kick myself for not just taking a deep breath and taking it all in. kinda can't help but pause a minute and enjoy the perspective – it's not just about this time. it's about all the time.

(though, to be fair, i consider myself to be someone who lives pretty consciously. but there's always room for improvement!)

it's getting round around here

oh, hi. it's just me, this big ol' belly and the bonz.
13 days and counting. part of me hopes it's sooner than later but then i kick myself because this is such a special and fleeting time – i don't want to wish it away. but i'm obviously giddy with excitement. it's a mixed bag, friends.

i continue to step further into the abyss of waiting-and-wondering if ours baby will be a boy or a girl. so many theories and hunches but, either way, it's all just a guessing game with a 50/50 shot of winning. i'm getting more and more antsy to find out with each passing day.

needless to say, i think little boys rule the earth. so i for sure won't be bummed if we have a boy. but i'll be just as stoked if ours baby is a girl.

and we wait...

it's june.

it seems like an awfully long time ago that i was 18 weeks along and sharing some pretty special news... and even then, i was almost to the half-way mark.

so it's pretty hard to believe that june is officially upon us.
hello, june. how'd you get here so quickly?

we've been in high-gear over here getting ready. for the duration of this pregnancy i kept thinking we were on easy street as far as preparations were concerned. i figured we already had everything we needed from bonzo and we just needed a few tiny diapers and maybe a new onesie or two.

yeah.

let's just say that, while i haven't gone totally off the rails with the new-baby-acquisitions, we have had to do our fair share to get ready for this little bundle. almost all self-imposed. by me. because, in truth, we probably could have gotten by with buying a box of tiny diapers.

but i digress.
yesterday was an all important day for this mama. we took care of a list of pending things and it's been glorious.

first and most importantly, we hired a cleaning service to come to the house and do a nitty-gritty, nooks-and-crannies cleaning job from floor to ceiling, room to room. i cannot overstate how happy a clean house makes me. it's about as good as it gets, really. i actually get a lot of satisfaction from cleaning it myself but at this juncture? oh it was like heaven on earth having it done for us. and they did a seriously deep cleaning. the kind that takes all day long.

after they left, we moved in a few things that we'd been waiting to move in and set up. we got a simple changing table for our room since it made sense to have one where all the action is. and i put the baby-stuff-filled baskets on its shelves. and we set up bonzo's little swing, and bouncy seat got the infant car seat out.

it was super important to me that these things be set up a week or two in advance of the baby's arrival. i wanted bonzo to have ample time to experience all this baby stuff – to play with it and check out.

for weeks and weeks and weeks, we've been talking about the baby. i follow his lead – sometimes he wants to talk about it, sometimes he doesn't. but when he does want to talk about it we talk about it all.

we've been talking a bunch about how when ours baby is born, it's going to be a new experience for us all and that sometimes it's going to feel wonderful and sometimes it's going to feel really hard for us all – and how it's okay if sometimes we feel like it's not very fun or if we feel sad or mad.

we talk about – and practice – holding babies and what kinds of voices we use when we're close to the baby: soft ones!

we talk about how when ours baby cries it doesn't mean that ours baby doesn't love us, it just means ours baby has some feelings to let out.

we're talking about how when ours baby is born, we'll be away overnight. it'll be the first night me and bonzo haven't slept 0 - 10" away from each other. yes, it gives me total anxiety but he'll do rad, i know it. my mom – his meme – will be here with him and they've got a good thing goin' and i know everything will be better-than-fine. she's got some tricks up her sleeve for him to make it a really special time for him, too. i have no reason for the anxiety. and yet...

we've been doing lots of play around this new chapter in our lives. lots of it. play is such an important way for these tiny humans to process big changes. laughter – and tears, obviously – is a major way for them to experience and offload feelings. even feelings they may not even realize they're feeling. having time to explore and experience all this new baby stuff before the baby's actually here will,  i hope, give him the space to practice and understand how everything works and work on some of his feelings. i really want to try to minimize the line between baby's stuff and bonzo's stuff, too. even though some things will just be baby's and some things will just be bonzo's, i don't want him feeling like he can't touch, hold, and experience all this newness. from all the stuff to the actual baby!

he's been wanting to play "newborn baby" a bunch. he almost always instigates it. sometimes totally out of the blue. he wants to kick his little feet like a baby, cry like a baby, be swaddled like a baby – you name it. and we dive in head first to the play!

yesterday we spent some time putting a diaper on hooty (as you can see below) and practicing what kinds of swinging ours baby might like if ours baby was in the swing. hint: super gentle taps, not pushes!

later this weekend we're going to set up the co-sleeper to our co-sleeping-jackpot bed and start getting used to that idea as well. i'm sure there will be lots of play around that, too.

i know none of this is the least bit of a guarantee that the post-baby waters will be smooth. i am prepared for some doozies, friends. from us all, really. it's going to be a massive transition. but, along with the play, me and the chooch are having lots of talks about the tools in the ole' toolbox. we're going to need to seriously ramp up on the special time. it's easy to let it slide but if ever there's a time to get serious about special time it's now. and, you know, for the next couple years!

we're fully prepared for – and hopefully awake enough to execute – lots of special time and laughter, lots of love and cuddles, and lots of limits. stoke-extinguisher, i know. but dudes, as important as special time is, limits are right there, too. hugely important. the absence of limits does not a calm and secure child make. they can be hard to set and harder to hold but boy howdy they're of critical importance. now more than ever.

so, yeah. me and choo choo are doing some serious prep – and it's not like we're waiting for baby, it's all happening n-o-w because feelings are popping up now. change is knocking at the door.

and even with all of this, hard days and rocky roads are ahead. it's a certainty. but, in an effort to take some preemptive action, we're gettin' busy playing, talking and feeling.

oh and i was the very lucky recipient of the most lovely, adorable and beautiful baby quilt (and tote bag!) from my dear sweet friend. the cuteness actually hurts my heart – in the very best way. she's the genius behind willowship and, if i were you, i'd be keeping my eyes peeled on her shop for more juicy goodness along these lines.  i mean, the owl flying away with polkadotted undies off the clothesline? come on now.


look at this goof playing "orangutan" in his old car seat. it's hard to believe he used to actually fit in it.

it's hard to even put into words how much i love this guy...






the countdown is on!
i feel like it could be any day now but i'll be eating those words as the due-date (the 16th!) approaches, i'm sure...

xx